I’ve Lost Myself: Why My Life Has Been Sucky

I looked at some photos of me during my eighth-grade graduation. Usually, I do not like to look at old photos because they’re embarrassing or I don’t want to remind myself of the past. But now, these photos did not make any impact on me at all: it was as if I was looking at a totally different person.

Even though I was really hard on myself during the eighth grade, I pushed myself in working hard in order to be recognized for it. Along with that, I knew what I liked and what I didn’t like. In other words, I had an identity and, for the most part, I knew who I was.

Once I entered the ninth grade, a lot of things changed. Since I entered a school with a lot more “competition”, I got super hard on myself. I lost so much of my confidence (if I even had any) and really started to hate myself. I did not make a lot of friends that year, and I was not planning on doing so. However, I did begin to socialize more towards the end of the year and started not to dislike school.

Last summer, I “repaired” myself. I rebuilt my confidence by making videos for my family and developed a hobby in editing videos. I continued making them into the beginning of my sophomore year. I also got a lot more involved in my school community. However, everything was not perfect. I still did not have a lot of confidence. I thought I was happy, but I really wasn’t, which brings me to today. I lost a major relationship with my older sister (which I discussed in a previous post), who was someone who really made my life worth living. She also cost the relationship with my used-to-be brother in law, who I loved a lot.

I don’t feel like my self anymore. It even shows in my grades. I’m slipping in some subjects, and I’m just not as great as I used to be. It’s frustrating and disappointing. School was always one of my top priorities. I’m learning to not stress a lot about school but’s it’s hard when I feel like nothing is going well. When I think about my life the past couple of months, I realized that I really don’t remember anything major. I just have the days fly away without actually living. When I think about my summer, I have way more memories, and remember how much happier I was. I can’t even make videos anymore because it just reminds me of everything. It’s like I’m a box just moving along a never-ending conveyor belt now.

I really hope this summer will be great. I just want to feel like myself again. I’m getting more opportunities to do so now. I want to be happy.

Anyways, thanks for reading.

– Ali

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