Wow, I’m Psycho

Today has been very, very interesting… in a bad way.

To make it short, I kind of had a breakdown/panic attack which I haven’t had in a long time. I’m not the type to showcase my emotions and lose control over them often so it was unusual that I did.

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The Other “Ali” Inside Me: Getting Rid of Old Tendencies

Written 6/27/19

I use to have extreme anxiety. I was always anxious about an upcoming test, a lengthy homework assignment, or having to do anything outside of my comfort zone. My mood could be turned all the way around just because of a new task I was faced with. All I could think about is what I had to do and I would only be relived once I completed it. This would lead to some unreasonable choices that wouldn’t benefit me in the end.

Once, I had three books to read over the summer between freshman and sophomore year. It overwhelmed me so much and I just wanted to get through them. So, I decided to read all the books in one week, which I did. Though I felt good getting it done, the process of actually doing it was so mind-numbing and exhausting it made me dread the sight of a book.

Today, I am faced with a similar challenge. For one of my summer programs, I have to read three books before it starts (a little under a month). Let me tell you that when I came home after the last day of school to bum out in my room and see that email informing me about my “reading requirement” my heart began to race. My old thoughts returned, the “old Ali”, was starting to panic.

The books they’ve sent haven’t arrived yet. But when they do, it’s like I’m forced to start. I can’t just gradually read the books and gather the information, I need to read them fast.

I really should try and read the books throughly as I don’t know why they want us to read the books, but I also shouldn’t stress myself about them. This is a summer program, not a prison. I should try to enjoy them and not stress .

I don’t know, I’ll deal with it once the books arrive. I have to drop these urges.

Anyways, thanks for reading.

– Ali

Update: I’m reading and everything is chill 🙂